Short Stop at Home

I’m home after nearly eleven months!! It feels so good to be back, even if it’s just for eight days, four of which have already flown by. Being at home feels just as I had feared it would–it’s wonderful but I’m filled with various unqualified apprehensions. Well I guess the components are very easy to identify. It’s more the unpleasant feeling that they form in chaotic chorus that’s so unsettling. The biggest, of course, is that Home is changing and evolving rapidly without me here, and that I really miss it and feel like it’ll never be the same again. I miss, not only my family and friends, but my old surroundings and habits, the spirit of all the places I used to frequent, all of the little things that added up to a general sense of warmth and contentment. And that makes me suddenly question my happiness in Japan–despite the fact that I am indeed happy there!

But, on the other hand, that surging escalation of doubt has given me the long-awaited kick in the behind to get my life in order–to get up on time, to maintain basic discipline in my daily life, to keep up with my hobbies and interests and, most importantly to figure out what I want to do in the future and how. I need to climb back into the boat, and stay on.

I don’t think I want to rush straight to graduate school as my parents keep trying to insist (with no regard whatsoever for my commitments at my current workplace or my wishes and happiness), but I do think I want to know what’s waiting for me and what I want to do next, and I do think I want to come back a little sooner than February of 2009. I’ve done a lot of fun stuff in the past ten months, and I’ve worked quite hard, too–but neither of those is enough. The things I need to be taking care of as an adult and a basic unit of society are falling by the wayside. I’m very excited about my New Year’s resolutions for 2008!

Reneging on that one, perhaps

I have seven months’ worth of events to catch up on if I am to keep my promise. Let’s see how it goes…

Well, Predecessor-Teacher’s return was a blessing I could never have expected or hoped for beforehand. Not only did I get to know her better and spend some time with her (which was really so much fun!), but also I think I really benefited from being seen and approved of, so many months later, by the teacher I came to replace. In a way it was a kind of completion that I was happy to undergo. It was very sad when she and other-filling-in-teacher left us and went back to their respective lives.

One thing I’ve learned time and again in this life, is that no matter how determined you are to stay in touch with people when you part, you cannot really stay with them in defiance of the separate lives you and they lead. I don’t know how many friends I myself barely remember at this point as a result. I have seen so many farewells at the school itself: Predecessor and husband, old Head Teacher and husband, Midwestern couple who suddenly quit, Predecessor and fill-in, Teacher-who-Came-Last-September (went to Uniqlo together), Administrative-Staff-who-does-everything, and pretty soon, Teacher-who-came-Last-November! So far that’s eleven…and I suppose there will be more to come. It’s wonderful to meet new people, but it’s sad that they’re always replacing somebody else. There’s a time for all things to end, though, temporary English-teaching-jobs included.

One slightly negative symptom of the coming and going, which really makes me detest myself, is the cycle of questioning my own worth/ability to contribute to my surroundings every time someone new comes in with fresh input. It’s especially bad in the colder half of the year, because I’m so ridiculously sensitive to that kind of thing, and the seasonal depression and general self-absorbed self-hatred get conflated to become one big ugly paranoid mess. Am I honestly still so insecure and unsure of myself that I am intimidated by others instead of being excited by their enthusiasm and creativity? Instead of finding that bottom line of consistency within myself, I keep needing to find it in relation to each new person. Once I get used to new people, I no longer see them as a threat and find it safe to come back out of my shell. How old am I, for God’s sake? Shouldn’t I know myself well enough that I can welcome new people (not that I don’t welcome them, but I think my general point is clear) without worrying so much about whether I’m valued by the people around me? I’m not a three year old with a new baby sister. Can I stop acting like one, please? (But, am happy to report that I am currently in a confident spot in the cycle. Enjoy the trust and responsibility I feel my colleagues are giving me).

Travel in Japan has been expensive and has offered some beautiful and amazing moments as well as some disappointments. The latest was a nostalgia trip out to the Chugoku and Kansai regions. I met up with a friend from my trip to Kobe two years ago and his father, and went all over the west in six days. In a way I didn’t do what I set out to do in any of the places I went, and yet I saw wonderful things and had a really great time, so I don’t quite regret it. However, my pockets are quite sadly empty. Places I’ve been (in the order that I remember them, some places more than once) since coming in February: Miyajima, Hiroshima, Kobe, Himeji, Osaka, Kyoto, Nara, Gifu-ken: Mino, Nagano/Gifu border: Magome, Tsumago, Hamamatsu, Shizuoka, Fuji-san (that was a long climb), Inuyama (haha), Toyota (haha!). Actually, I think that might be it. Maybe I should stop going to the same places repeatedly and see some other parts of Japan!! But I like to really see enough of a place if I’m going to say I’ve been there. Moreover, I’m very fond of the warmth and outgoingness I see in that region. I still have time to see more places after all.

My little infants in Toyota city are starting to say “My name is ___” instead of just looking at me and crying. Many of them know all the body parts in Head and Shoulders, and several colors as well. My kid who doesn’t know whether he’s peed or not, but knew all of his colors before anybody else in the nursery, now appears to know his alphabet too. He also knows what a watch is. And button. “Boobs. You have no boobs” kid has graduated to just giggling at irrational moments and saying “Samu Sensei” instead, which is far less awkward, though perhaps not as funny. (He’s mentally unconventional, as is his brother). For the past two or three weeks I have had to sing all the songs without the CD because it was broken and my boss hasn’t had a chance to copy a new one. That has to be a teacher’s worst nightmare in anticipation—and yet, when the situation actually arises, it’s not so bad. Just have to really like your kids. I might not be that lucky with every group, I guess.

Well, I guess that’s enough for now. More to come, perhaps, at some point? I’d like to write more about travel and the places that I’ve been to, but I don’t know when it will happen.

Happy FREEZING Fall, everybody. I am seriously freezing my patootie off. Can’t wait for Spring to come again! Goodnight.

And Since Then…

It has been over a month, hasn’t it! Where on earth do I begin? The couple who came to replace Old Head Teacher and her husband put in their two-months’ quitting notice a week after training (in April). That’s one third of the staff that’s changing again, making the third two-teacher change in five months. Needless to say, people have been stressed out at the school.

I am slowly starting to feel a little more confident about my teaching and consciously trying to improve certain deficiencies every week, even as I feel like there is less and less free planning time, and I feel good about the improvements (regardless of the occasional apprehension). As time goes on I feel more comfortable as a part of the school and that makes me happy as well. The substitute for one of the teachers that are jumping ship (boss’ old friend) arrived in town earlier this week and she seems really sweet and warm and not anti-social, which is a huge improvement.

Predecessor-Teacher will be coming back as well!! To substitute, for a month or so. We are all extremely excited!! We feel really bad for her, having to come back and help out when she’s a newlywed, but we’re selfishly looking forward to it (mwuhahahahaha…)

My apartment is slowly starting to feel like my home. I don’t spend nearly as much time as I ought to on it, or any of the other things I could be doing outside of sleeping and cooking, but recently I’ve been making a bit more of an effort. And yes, I am aware that I have lost command of the English language. Please shoot me.

Our boss hired a Japanese teacher for us and we have lessons before our shift every Wednesday afternoon. It is the most amazing perk EVER (at least to me). I look forward to the lesson all week, and after it’s over, I want to do my homework or read more stuff instead of planning lessons and teaching! I love it so much. My teacher is so cool, too.
She’s Japanese, has lived in the United States, Poland, and get this–Bangalore!! She lived in my city!! She even named one of her children Satya. And she rescued a little kitten in a parking lot. I like her.

I may have been just fine with the written portion of the Driver’s License test, but I’ve failed the road test twice so far. I have to go again on Wednesday (thus foregoing my cherished lesson)–I really hope I pass this time. It is really not convenient for my boss to drive me to Toyota and back every damn Friday!

As for my state of being, I am a little frazzled at times, but doing well on the whole. I am busy but happy. A few weeks of utter dissatisfaction with myself and my inability to strike a balance in my life (I had the work and the socializing, but nothing independent–wasn’t doing any of my things) have led me to slowly try and make a little bit happen each day. It’s not much at all, and in the larger scheme of things it may be just as if I were still doing nothing, but just that daily effort makes me feel much better. My tendency to put a lot into human relationships can make me neglect my own self-development and awareness–and I was beginning to feel very clearly that I was no longer a person. So, whatever little things I can do to feel human every day, I try to do. And so, I am happier. Despite the gray rain and the oppressive heat, resulting in hideous appearance…

Updates on what I’ve actually done in the past few months will come eventually…sorry…

Two-Month Review

As I talk to one of my best friends who is currently traveling through Tibet, the vapidness of my own life once again hits me straight in the face. While it may be true that I came here to be selfish for a year in the first place, I did at least intend to develop other habits and skills in that empty time/space. Things have been so busy lately and I have been so tired and unable to tightly manage my time that I have not been pursuing nearly as many of my interests as I would like to. I barely manage to clean my apartment every week and remember to take out the trash. And so, I feel like I let go of the few things about me that weren’t shameful, for no good reason at all. This overall inability to balance my own life and activities is a serious obstacle in terms of self-worth, and thus in healthy relations with others. My awareness of the problem, at least, is keeping me somewhat sane mentally and therefore kind of semi-balanced emotionally. But that can’t last forever. If I stay mired in this for too long it’ll start to alter my perception and I’ll lose the chance to pull myself out. I’m scared.

I wonder if I am too abstract in saying this

It must really feel terrible for the Tech community to know that such a thing happened on their own campus–where, I would imagine, they felt safe and comfortable with everybody around them.
There’s often a lot of fingerpointing and compulsive preventive-measure-taking in the aftermath of calamities like this. While it’s important to understand how things happen and whether they could have been avoided, I hope this doesn’t lead to an environment that is more fearful than necessary. I hope people don’t spend their time and energy trying to prevent all terrible things in all arenas of their lives. There are things we cannot control in life–we cannot undo the loss of thirty three lives in the middle of campus–but that shouldn’t win over us and make us cower. Some forms of vulnerability are a necessary part of human life.

I cannot imagine what kind of a reality that student lived in; but mental and emotional illness are arguably the scariest things in the world. To have coped with that for twenty three years was admirable. It is so sad that it had to be this way.

I apologize

Yet another weekend has passed without any updates from me! I am truly sorry; there simply hasn’t been time! I don’t think I’m ever going to feel less busy–which is fine with me. I’m happiest when I have plenty to do.

People are kind, spring is beautiful, work is continually challenging, the apartment is ever-so-slowly taking shape, and life is continuing. There you go.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Another Sanctuary

(These pictures don’t begin to do justice to the colors, sounds, space, feeling, etc of the actual shrine but they’re something. If you want more pictures, ask me—I’ll email them to you.)  

Brand Spanking New

The stairway

From Tokushige

I went for a walk with one of the two teachers who live right below me (they came in September and November) on Sunday afternoon. We were ostensibly headed to Uniqlo for her to do some spring shopping; the fact that I bought something and she didn’t is immaterial! haha. Anyway, we walked north on the main road perpendicular to us (Tokushige), towards Toyota (ish), and it was already like escaping our suffocating surroundings. Just twenty minutes or so away! On the way we passed a tiny little road lined with sakura in full bloom. They continued to straddle a beautiful path and a steep staircase to a shrine at the top of a hill. It was so peaceful and yet so stirring at the same time. Just a few yards in, you could hear birds chirping, at last. Trees and random vegetation of all strata tumbled over each other up the hill, and the stone markers set up a peaceful rhythm up to the shrine. Although the shrine itself is too new to be that powerful an experience (built two years ago), the place itself was simply beautiful. Unbearably so with so many beautiful sakura in full bloom and the petals circling down just as the stereotypes dictate. Actually being with sakura trees makes you understand that all the hype is completely justified, no matter how many times people say it and how many people like it. The same is true of the jinja (shrines). It’s all kind of the same deal, but being there just does it for you immediately. I’m glad we went, especially since Hanami didn’t really work out for me. The shrine itself was nice enough, built somewhat in the Tokugawa-baroque style and looking all fresh and elegant. It just doesn’t have the bearing and dignity just yet. Anyway; I like the girl I was walking with and I loved this place, and I want to return as much as possible in the mornings before work. (By the way, I bought capri pants and a flexible-enough skirt for work. I’m a big child about work clothes; I get all excited) Then on the way back, she stopped by the florist to get a birthday present for her friend, and then I went on my merry way.

I had Vietnamese food for the first time for dinner, and then went by the usual bar. Saw the shi-shi international grocery that might have soymilk and cilantro in passing on the way. Will probably go back there one of these days. I’m looking forward to it, if in fact they do have all the organic stuff and international produce of which they boast!

Well, it was a wonderfully productive but long day, and I’m aching for my bed. Goodnight all!

Of Sakura and Synchronous Beginnings

Although I already owe back-updates on my first one, I feel like this echo of second beginnings is worth celebrating. As I mentioned earlier, sakura are in bloom all over town in this first week of April and it is so beautiful. In addition, the new schedule for the year is finally re-forming and solidifying, we have two new teachers from Minnesota in training, and we will be losing our Head Teacher and her husband in a few weeks. Students of all ages had their School Enrolment Ceremonies today. I did my first real day of teaching at the daycare center in Toyota (I still don’t have my license yet so my boss takes me and brings me back, which is quite a drive and expenditure of time for him). New friendships, new schedules, beautiful weather….everything is just as Spring should be according to cliche. And I am happy to the point of being verklemt.

The daycare center has two locations outside of Nagoya; one in Nisshin, to which another teacher goes on Thursday mornings, and one in Toyota, to which I go on Friday mornings. Most of the children there are infants, but a few are two or three, or even four years old. There are about sixteen of them. Clearly, this is not really a class but a series of games and songs for English exposure. During any one activity you can have three children eating their ABC cards, their clothes, or some part of their body, three running around the room in circles, three wrapping themselves around your legs or trying to climb you, two picking up the pieces of the game when it’s not their turn and giving them to each other, and maybe two playing along with you eagerly. The daycare staff are quite busy trying to keep them all together! But everybody is sweet and there is no attitude, and they are all very cute, and it’s a lot of fun to play with them, so it’s really nice. The director of the daycare asked that I be more of a fun mother-figure who speaks English than a teacher, so it’s a lot of fun and no pressure (even with my boss watching me the whole time!). I just plan a whole ton of songs and games and go tire myself out! And as a result we get to escape the industrial city sprawl for a bit and see some farms and plants and open space (ironic, I suppose, since it’s in Toyota). I really love it so far. On the way last week, after my boss had taken me to meet the kids and the director, I saw three roosters just hanging out! They were walking along on a stone wall which, as it turns out, is the wall of the shrine to which they belong. But I didn’t know that at the time, and it was quite funny when I interrupted my boss’ conversation to yell “Roosters! I just saw three roosters!” I don’t think he believed me entirely until we saw them again yesterday morning. They are the only animals I’ve seen since coming, except for a few sparrows on the highway construction site and a dog being walked one evening. I really miss my pets.

The night before the chibis (chibi means mini), I had stayed up late chatting and eating crackers with the two teachers who live on the floor below me. It was nice to be able to kick back and do that. Certainly a whole lot more relaxing than the preceding weekend, when I was scrambling to clean and cook for seventeen people! Of course, three of my friends helped and lots of people brought snacks and chopsticks and so on, and thus the evening was a success. But the remnants of that success are still lying around my apartment as I write this! What can I say? the cleanup process has been gradual. It was a great time though. Everyone from the school was there (fourteen people including part time girls) and three of my other friends came as well. I think the new teachers, who had just arrived in town two days beforehand, had a good time and got a chance to spend time with everyone, of which I’m very glad. I didn’t get to spend as much time with everyone because I had to make the naan, but towards the end when everybody was finished eating I got to relax. We had a thunderstorm, and someone turned off the lights and opened the curtains, and we all just sat and watched the lightning through my movie-screen window. It was just like the monsoon power outages from my childhood, when we would all sit in the same room with one candle, and talk a bit, but mostly be quiet. My cooking-friend’s dessert was absolutely delicious, and the other friend who helped me used to be a cook for an izakaya, and he cut up the fruit in all these beautiful forms and made a spectacular salad platter. It was unbelievable. Everyone was happy talking and drinking and eating without any loud music or crap like that; it was a great evening. I can’t wait to do it again, though I might enlist someone’s help in cleaning next time! I just shooed everybody home because of the rain (didn’t want them to be struggling too late at night), but cleanup has been somewhat overwhelming…

I wrote a few weeks ago about feeling really lonely upon getting internet service–but it grew into a nice and comfortable kind of solitude over the next few days. I spent the weekend alone, doing laundry and relaxing in the apartment on Saturday and going out by myself on Sunday. I went to Oosu-Kannon, which is a Tokugawa-period temple that was moved to its current location a few hundred years ago for…some reason I cannot remember. Kannon is the Buddhist goddess of mercy. There’s a little avenue outside the temple where they have antique markets on the 18th and 28th of every month, and the area is fairly bustling in general. I was kind of surprised to go and find almost no temple precinct whatsoever; there were new buildings abutting it on almost every side, and the same was true of the avenue–all the little old special spots and sites were rudely encroached upon by stores, restaurants, and other random businesses. While that was depressing, I guess it made the temple seem like that much more of an oasis, because I just felt so peaceful there. It shouldn’t have been that way at all–there was no process of winding down, no place to even sit to meditate, buildings all over the place, the Kannon image that’s all famous for being exquisitely tranquil wasn’t special or anything….and yet it was just so peaceful being there. I went an hour before closing on a Sunday evening, and it seemed like nightfall was unnoticed everywhere but here. I wonder what it would be like to go back by day. The temple itself is quite beautiful. Kind of a combination between the pure-land-phoenix-plan from Heian times and the Tokugawa-baroque arches and whatnot. I did really like it. I think I will go frequently before closing time. It was nice to go alone and meditate a bit.

I also bought a spring coat (much-needed, the seasons changed so suddenly!) and then some watercolor pencils at this cool little art supply store I found in the Sakae underground mall (again, only art, no craft, but still very very cool. I hope I can find this place again! The girl-new-teacher and I will probably go back some time), and came back home. Girl-new-teacher, by the way, was an Art major back in Minnesota. I told her I was jealous! and indeed I am.

My younger adult students have been absent from class lately, but while I was seeing them it was a lot of fun. One of them is going to work out with me at the community gym in her area (the ward just north of mine, where the other branch of the school is located). I’m looking forward to it, because I haven’t lifted a finger towards exercise since coming!! And, deservedly, I am getting fat. Not very noticeably so to someone else, I suppose, but terrifyingly so to myself. Apparently everybody puts on weight and breaks out like crazy when they first arrive. Still, it’s been two months now; it’s time to take charge. Perhaps part of this is the Minoji’s-visiting and the watching movies indoors and the nutella sandwiches when I buy fresh bread…and of course, going to the Rosetta Stone (bar where I meet my other-three-friends, one of whom I went to college with). Since I hardly drink, they always bring me cake and things to munch on, and my weakness–nay, greed–for yummy food is no secret.

In Japan it’s customary to have a little party with bbq and drinking and whatnot while the sakura are in bloom, as part of Hanami. Some people will even camp out until they can get a spot for their picnic blanket and sit and eat and drink sake and sing songs and debate with each other. But nowadays people just use it as an excuse to party, not necessary under a sakura tree or anything. I didn’t go with the others last weekend because it was all going to be meat and fish, but I think I might go have my own little picnic by myself tomorrow morning. I tell you, I am really enjoying my doses of alone-time these days! In any case, pictures coming soon, I’m sure…

Oh Target, How We Yearn for Thee!

I say this because oddly enough, when you consider my current location, good old Target came up as a topic of discussion four or five times in a week–American teachers, Canadian teachers, Japanese students alike all exalt Target in its practical and yet tasteful glory. And my lament holds true–Kahma (the local affordable home-goods store) is great, but there isn’t that much you can do with it by way of home decorations. Very standard options for cushions, curtains, light fixtures, and the like. Standard and not really my style. But it is helpful for organizing and storage, and I still managed to spend a substantial sum there on my fourth weekend here (slightly contrary to my desire to keep the budget tight). Nothing was unnecessary, though, so I’m not too upset about it. I still made it through the week and got paid six days later. But getting my apartment even slightly close to the way I want it requires a craft store. Little to no luck on that front so far. There are art supplies in the expensive Bed&Bath type store (which, by the way, is ridiculous. There are six levels that sell all kinds of things, and each level has a separate register. You have to pay for your things from that floor at that register. But they let you carry stuff through all the different floors…what’s up with that?? AND!–and–on the first floor, there are several departments with separate registers. Why be one store if it’s all really not the same store?? Yes, this is the store I was so excited about earlier, called Loft. It’s still pretty cool, but come on!)

You can find a tidbit or two at the local hyaku-en store, but there’s no centralized arts and crafts materials store, as far as any of the Japanese staff at the school or I know. The closest I’ve gotten is a great art supply store in the Sakae subway-station-mall. Still, that’s not helping me with my apartment at all! I need fabrics, glues, random assortments of any kind of creative material imagineable! How I miss–not Target, but Michaels and Rag Shop and Joann Fabrics!

So that weekend cooking went pretty well. My boss and his wife didn’t end up showing, and other-new-teacher (aka teacher-no-japanese) caught up on sleep, so it was just administrator-girl-who-loves-to-cook-bake-and-eat and me in the kitchen, and then the same climbing family from lunch came over for dinner. Cooking was replete with (unwanted) escapades. I bent the vegan rule and bought a whole liter of milk to make paneer, and for some reason it simply would not curdle. I kept potato koftas with no tofu separately for other-new-teacher, who is a real baby about tofu and cottage cheese and eggs, but he never woke up and came. The naan dough took twice as long as it usually does to rise (what the hell, guys??) so I had to cook rice in the last minute while my guests waited. But it came out well in the end. Thank goodness for girl-who-loves-to-cook helping me! We made Aloo Paneer Kofta, by the way. I had bought tofu beforehand in case the paneer bombed, so we used that. I think it was too spicy for them. Afterwards we had the delicious chocolate raspberry ganache cake said-girl had made. I put the cake climbing-family brought in the fridge and ate it over the following two weeks. I had a wonderful time with their daughter. She’s adorable, and very clever. They wanted her to be confident and strong and named her accordingly, so her name means something to the effect of, “one who knows and pursues her intentions.” Pretty cool, huh?? They are very cool people. I haven’t heard from them since that day.
Another fast-paced week of work, then a night at Minoji’s with two other teachers. They talked about video games for about two thirds of the evening; thanks guys. Thanks. But it gave me a chance to tune them out and just take in the surroundings a bit. Aside from the stench of cigarette smoke, which is not considered an issue of any sort here for whatever absurd reason, it was quite nice. The following day I cleaned up the apartment a bit and then my friendly FAS (the one who took me to the doll exhibit) rushed me to the neighboring ward’s (Tenpaku-ku’s) Agricultural Center to see the plum blossoms before it closed. It’s a really cool place; like a huge co-op basically, with plots for community classes and growing experiments and a small market every weekend, and greenhouses with beautiful begonias of all kinds. I don’t know whether it can be called a green market, and I don’t know how the animals are handled. They milk the cows on the premises somewhere and sell ice cream. My student bought me some, and I wasn’t exactly about to go into a big lecture on my reservations about milk products at that point so I took it, and it was quite good. matcha. (green tea flavor). But I really loved the place. It made me so happy to be there, what with the interesting landscaping, the community market, and the presence of plants everywhere! I needed that so badly. This city, at least in our immediate surroundings, is completely devoid of vegetation or warm and comforting sights of any kind. I mean, there are pockets and oases but on the whole it’s quite depressing, especially with the semi-Brutalist architecture I was complaining about before. As for the ume-no-hana, they were pretty, but I missed them in their prime. I have to catch the sakura in bloom!!

From there she took me home and I met her husband. This is the man who picked up and moved out to Minnesota all by himself when he was sixteen years old, in the 1960s! We had a really fascinating conversation. They are too nice to me! They made me dinner and kept me for a while, and tried to call my parents’ house so I could talk to them!! Thankfully it was an ungodly hour in the States so I could tell them not to worry about it without being offensive, but really they are very forceful about doing things for you. (presumably because of the whole teacher thing, I don’t know). Then, after treating me to a drink and giving me presents, they took me back home. I tried to find out what kind of food they like so I could have them for dinner but they don’t seem very receptive to the idea, so it looks like I’ll have to do the bought-and-wrapped present deal. I don’t know when that would be. FAS tends to be slightly boastful and sometimes a little blunt but from what I’ve seen she’s friendly and genuinely kind to people, so I respect her warmth and forthright nature.

I was going to try and see the plum blossom festival in Tsukigase the next day (in Nara-ken) but a trip to Nara is a full day affair and I was too sleepy in the morning. Plus, the fact that the blooms at the agricultural center had all already wilted made me skeptical about hauling ass by multiple means of transit all the way to Tsukigase. I did make progress on the Lord of the Rings movies with no-japanese-teacher, though. Ah, well. I will make it out to Nara this spring or summer! I have longed to for far too long not to go.

And as I finally give up on finishing this entry properly and just post it already, my apartment is strewn with the dishes and leftovers of a dinner party for eighteen that went smashingly well. The two new teachers (Head Teacher and husband are moving back home in just a few weeks!! Unbelievable) have arrived and start training in two days, Spring just decided to begin precisely on the 21st of March (seriously, all of a sudden it was just beautiful weather. Bam. That’s it, get used to it for three months) and the sakura are in bloom going into next week!

Mmm.

Having internet service at home makes me feel suddenly three times lonelier. Isn’t it interesting that our minds work like that? As soon as I have easy access to the people and animals I left behind (in addition to vital information of all sorts), I become conscious of my isolation in a truly despondent and wistful way. I used to enjoy coming home to my vacuous and empty apartment after work, cooking my meals for the week, recording my expenses for the day, cozying up to my little space heater in the thermal socks Imako-san gave me, freezing my fingers off hanging my wet laundry on the balcony, picking up new interests and going out with new people…Any conscious-level thoughts of my peeps were musings, passing thoughts that I accepted and smiled at as I puttered through my busy days. I would wake up every morning to vague recollections of the last night’s vivid dreams featuring my near and dear, barely aware of any emotional residue. It’s not that I was numb or that I was running from anything; I knew the situation for exactly what it is, and I decided to focus on the here and now and live to the best of my ability. That is, after all, why I came out here in the first place–to learn to push forward, to stop looking to other people to get me through. I don’t want this existence to be something I get through; I want to live it. And I don’t want to be living for anybody or anything’s sake but my own. And yet, I’m beginning to find that I’m not entirely sure that I’ve been living fully for the past few weeks–my adult students asked me today what I do when I’m not at work, and I wasn’t quite sure how to answer! A little bit of a million things but not enough of any one single thing!

In my third year of college I wrote papers about Tadao Ando for my Architectural Theory class (Japanese architect, signature concrete usage, very minimalist–as in spartan), and he happened to come up in a conversation with my friend today. Ando’s philosophy is that a stark and simplistic habitat awakens the inner/spiritual warmth of the inhabitant and, more importantly, makes people more aware of that inner warmth. I remember being greatly moved by that, and yet feeling alienated by images of his actual work (except for one really cool temple that is…just too beautiful. Much of my longing to return to Japan stems from not seeing that temple the last time I was here). At the time–really, through all of my time in studio–I yearned for architecture that could do what I now realize only living beings should do. I wanted my buildings to do what I wanted for everyone, which is reach out, cradle, nurture and then inspire and uplift. I wanted buildings to show recognition of people’s vulnerability, forgive it in them, and push them along their way. I wanted to do through my buildings what I was looking for myself. Vulnerability and a certain amount of naivete are beautiful things, but they shouldn’t be built so decisively into the human landscape, because they run the risk of becoming self-fulfilling prophecy. In any case, I couldn’t face Ando’s buildings for this reason. Today my friend was telling me that her feeling of isolation in Los Angeles had brought her to life as an individual, just as Tadao Ando’s concrete does for inhabitants, or freezing waterfalls do for zen monks (hence the whole train of thought here…). I made some remark about how in the search for themselves, some people opt for vapid surroundings and some seek all-out isolation, depending on which helps them focus inward, that they’re kind of the same thing in different flavors…etc. and then I expressed my reservations about living in such minimalist surroundings permanently. She’s right; there’s a time for that, just as for everything else. (Incidentally, this is the same friend who printed my report on said architect when I had to rush out of studio and go home for break!) That being said, this is definitely the time for me, and I think for many people of this age or at this stage in life. That ideal of living with no complications, no ties, no luxuries, and no certainty that I’ve nursed in the back of my mind since childhood and somehow became afraid of in between, grows less fearful and more enticing to me as time goes by. I don’t know what I will do after my English-teaching days and where, but it can’t be so…stable, cushy! Japan is certainly not the place to take risks, rough it, and find yourself–at least, not the way I’m doing it. Not to say that there aren’t challenges and whatnot, or that I don’t have good reasons for being where I am; just that I am really eager to face that next step. At the same time, I also find myself wanting to stay at the school and in Japan long enough to really become a good teacher and be able to contribute to the running of the school, to see all of Japan and become good enough at Japanese. I sometimes wonder about doing grad school in Japan. Don’t know how realistic it is, but I think it’s worth considering.

A sadly funny thought–even if I were in a really barebones, simple setting, I would still want to bring my inner self forth into the space, make things, paint, decorate…I would still have that need to make it my own. Detachment isn’t really my specialty, is it!

It plagues me that I am leading such a damn solipsistic lifestyle these days; it’s unfortunate that I’m never able to find middle ground in life. This move was about finding that too, but I’m realizing in some ways it might be really difficult to get out and be of use to anybody with such a–recreational job and such seemingly routine/comfortable surroundings. I think I should find out about town hall meetings or something to at least have a feeling of seeing issues arise and be solved, if nothing else! (Listening to Olive at Daybreak while blabbing about myself for hours…how perfect). But then…all this self-involvement is an accumulation from years of running from it, I think. From not really knowing how to avoid being selfish and be of use to those around me without becoming preoccupied to the point of not knowing who I am. It’s terrible; I’m stuck in this world of not really being a real person and also not really being of any true utilitarian help to anybody; and yet being more concerned with what other people do and how I can help than with helping someone through my own work/by being an efficient person myself. So I have some serious fixing to do first. And I’m beginning to hate myself for being so obsessed with this idea of being useful to people. Isn’t everybody helpful and useful to everyone else? Don’t you get to that point by first being able to handle your own affairs? What a stupid refrain to stick to without completely understanding for all of your semi-mature life.

This entry grew to be terribly boring for you and I sympathize. I promise, now that I have internet at home, to fill you in on more interesting events from the past month and be more entertaining in the future. But now that it’s morning and the sun has risen, I think I should get to bed and hope for some rest. I really miss India and the States…This multiple-home-sick monkey is heading to her warm, soft bed!