Reneging on that one, perhaps

I have seven months’ worth of events to catch up on if I am to keep my promise. Let’s see how it goes…

Well, Predecessor-Teacher’s return was a blessing I could never have expected or hoped for beforehand. Not only did I get to know her better and spend some time with her (which was really so much fun!), but also I think I really benefited from being seen and approved of, so many months later, by the teacher I came to replace. In a way it was a kind of completion that I was happy to undergo. It was very sad when she and other-filling-in-teacher left us and went back to their respective lives.

One thing I’ve learned time and again in this life, is that no matter how determined you are to stay in touch with people when you part, you cannot really stay with them in defiance of the separate lives you and they lead. I don’t know how many friends I myself barely remember at this point as a result. I have seen so many farewells at the school itself: Predecessor and husband, old Head Teacher and husband, Midwestern couple who suddenly quit, Predecessor and fill-in, Teacher-who-Came-Last-September (went to Uniqlo together), Administrative-Staff-who-does-everything, and pretty soon, Teacher-who-came-Last-November! So far that’s eleven…and I suppose there will be more to come. It’s wonderful to meet new people, but it’s sad that they’re always replacing somebody else. There’s a time for all things to end, though, temporary English-teaching-jobs included.

One slightly negative symptom of the coming and going, which really makes me detest myself, is the cycle of questioning my own worth/ability to contribute to my surroundings every time someone new comes in with fresh input. It’s especially bad in the colder half of the year, because I’m so ridiculously sensitive to that kind of thing, and the seasonal depression and general self-absorbed self-hatred get conflated to become one big ugly paranoid mess. Am I honestly still so insecure and unsure of myself that I am intimidated by others instead of being excited by their enthusiasm and creativity? Instead of finding that bottom line of consistency within myself, I keep needing to find it in relation to each new person. Once I get used to new people, I no longer see them as a threat and find it safe to come back out of my shell. How old am I, for God’s sake? Shouldn’t I know myself well enough that I can welcome new people (not that I don’t welcome them, but I think my general point is clear) without worrying so much about whether I’m valued by the people around me? I’m not a three year old with a new baby sister. Can I stop acting like one, please? (But, am happy to report that I am currently in a confident spot in the cycle. Enjoy the trust and responsibility I feel my colleagues are giving me).

Travel in Japan has been expensive and has offered some beautiful and amazing moments as well as some disappointments. The latest was a nostalgia trip out to the Chugoku and Kansai regions. I met up with a friend from my trip to Kobe two years ago and his father, and went all over the west in six days. In a way I didn’t do what I set out to do in any of the places I went, and yet I saw wonderful things and had a really great time, so I don’t quite regret it. However, my pockets are quite sadly empty. Places I’ve been (in the order that I remember them, some places more than once) since coming in February: Miyajima, Hiroshima, Kobe, Himeji, Osaka, Kyoto, Nara, Gifu-ken: Mino, Nagano/Gifu border: Magome, Tsumago, Hamamatsu, Shizuoka, Fuji-san (that was a long climb), Inuyama (haha), Toyota (haha!). Actually, I think that might be it. Maybe I should stop going to the same places repeatedly and see some other parts of Japan!! But I like to really see enough of a place if I’m going to say I’ve been there. Moreover, I’m very fond of the warmth and outgoingness I see in that region. I still have time to see more places after all.

My little infants in Toyota city are starting to say “My name is ___” instead of just looking at me and crying. Many of them know all the body parts in Head and Shoulders, and several colors as well. My kid who doesn’t know whether he’s peed or not, but knew all of his colors before anybody else in the nursery, now appears to know his alphabet too. He also knows what a watch is. And button. “Boobs. You have no boobs” kid has graduated to just giggling at irrational moments and saying “Samu Sensei” instead, which is far less awkward, though perhaps not as funny. (He’s mentally unconventional, as is his brother). For the past two or three weeks I have had to sing all the songs without the CD because it was broken and my boss hasn’t had a chance to copy a new one. That has to be a teacher’s worst nightmare in anticipation—and yet, when the situation actually arises, it’s not so bad. Just have to really like your kids. I might not be that lucky with every group, I guess.

Well, I guess that’s enough for now. More to come, perhaps, at some point? I’d like to write more about travel and the places that I’ve been to, but I don’t know when it will happen.

Happy FREEZING Fall, everybody. I am seriously freezing my patootie off. Can’t wait for Spring to come again! Goodnight.

~ by samhitha on November 15, 2007.